gotta get in super saver mode

Things in life are not always easy and that really sucks sometimes. I have a huge decision to make, well I guess I've already made it, I'm not that happy with it, but oh well, ya gotta do what ya gotta do, sometimes you just got to suck it up and do what's probably better for your family. I finally made my decision about the job closer to home, if I get offered it, which I will find out today, I guess I'm going to turn it down. I tried to work the numbers last night and it's just not looking good. I would love to work so close to home and have more time with Abby, but if I want to be able to provide for Abby, it's just not going to be feasable at this time. The dreamer side of me says go for it! But the more realistic side says, if I'm barely making it with what I make now, I'm not going to be able to do it on $15 thousand less a year! I know if I want to be closer to home, I'm going to have to take a big cut in pay, but this was not only a cut in pay, but no benefits! yikes! I know I'm no where near retirement age, but it is something I have to think about now and where I am now, i've got retirement and 401 K, which I've been investing in for 8 years now. And i'm more of a live in the moment person, that rarely thinks about the future, but when you have a child, there are times when you have to think about the future. That's another thing Scott and I talked about was what if Abby needs braces or this or that, my insurance is much better than his and if I take a huge cut, we won't be able to afford them, because after my car payment, car insurance, and a few other bills, I won't have anything left! So I guess for now I'll keep plugging away where I am and see what happens. At this point, I'm secretly hoping the lady calls me today and says, "I'm sorry we offered the position to someone else" that way I don't have to say no! I know that's the easy way out, but oh well.
The other thing is, that if we can't afford (according to my husband) to have another baby on what we make now, there's no way we can afford another one, if I take that job. Now I have to start in super saver mode, if I want to go on vaca this year. Plus I need a nest egg just for me in case of emergencies! The whole money management thing, is a gene I didn't get from my Mama that I wish I would have! I swear that woman could live off of nothing and still manage to save money! I added up how much I spent on gas, eating out and hitting up the gas stations for cokes and junk, for a month, oh my gosh! It was almost $500!!!! CRAZY RIGHT??? Well in my defense, well over $300 was gas alone! And plus some of the eating out wasn't just me it was a few dinners for all of us, me, Scott & Abby. But the gross of it was eating out at work for lunch! I gotta stop doing that! But it's kinda hard, because come lunch time, I'm ready to get out of this office for a while and I get so tired of sandwiches and frozen dinners!!! Yuck! And I have a long drive home with nothing to drink, that's where the gas station comes in, you don't realize a $1.00 here or $2.00 there, really adds up!!! and it's not just me, Abby's always asking for something to drink or eat when I pick her up, so we'll run by the gas station and grab a coke and a bag of chips or crackers, cause by the time we get home and get dinner cooked it's usually 7:00 or later! Oh well, gotta get in super saver mode and maybe then I can get some things payed off, save some money, have another baby and get a job close to home! That's a whole lotta saving to do!!!! Any tips????

So life is good and that is that

I'm having an exceptionally good day, even though I had to get up early and went to bed late - my fault, I got pulled over by a State Trooper this morning - not my fault, well technically, because I so was not speeding! I put it on cruise cause he'd been following me for a while, and I don't have that kinda cash to throw away on a speeding ticket, so he finally pulled me over (almost causing me to be late for my van) to tell me I have a brake light out, ok, gotta go, nope, he wanted to talk, then he proceeds to ask where I was going, so I said the van pool right up the road, I have to work in Nashville, he says, "oh I bet that saves a lot of money on gas," "yep, and if I can go now, I can save a lot and make it to the van" this is not what I said, this is what I wanted to say! so after I told him that I too work for the state and did not know about the light out, he gave me a warning and sent me on my way, yay for me! then I get to work and it's a million degrees in here, but I gotta fan on my desk that works, then the hubs calls and asks me to go to lunch, which never happens, cause he is never in town, but he had to go to the Dr. and got out in time to come take me to lunch! I feel the love, it's a good day! My husband is not perfect, but I really love him! It's been a long time since we were out by ourselves, even just for an hour, it was nice, we should really do that more often! It's nice to have time by ourselves some.
I got to see some of my family yesterday and lots of babies! I just love kids, especially little ones that don't talk back! Ha! So we celebrated Caysen's (my cousin's baby) 1st bday yesterday and that was fun! Def. took me back to Abby's 1st bday! And I got to hold Addi, my other cousin's baby that is only 2 months old, she looks a lot like Abby when she was a baby! I told Scott last night that I would love to have a little boy! looking at all the pics of Caysen, he's just so stinkin sweet! He said a girl is fine, I said I know, I love my little girl, but I'd like to have a boy now, he said well I'm fine with a girl, so I said, ok, I'll have another little girl, which honestly would thrill me too! When and if I ever do get pregnant again. He didn't say anything else! Ha! I don't care, things will work out and I'm not gonna worry about it. i'll just enjoy my baby and everyone else's! Maybe i should start babysitting, that way i can get my fill and give em back when I'm ready!!! that's it for now. Does any one actually read this??? If so, Leave me some comments people!

What to do, what to do???

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, like money, jobs and babies. First, i'd really like a new job, one where I get to do something I like, as in writing or photography, or one where I feel involved. I've worked at the same place for 8 years now and while the pay and the benefits are good, I just don't feel it, ya know? I'm basically a glorified secretary, even though I have worked my way up the ladder from secretary to admin sec, to admin assist to admin. services assistant 2. I have my own stuff to do, like invoices and personnel stuff, but I also have to do some crap work, that other people just don't want to do. There is nothing wrong with being a secretary, but that's not me, I don't want to be somebody's secretary all my life. Here's the thing, I feel like I have potential, but no get up and go, mainly because I have a family and bills that have to get taken care of and if I run after my dreams, I'll end up broke and not be able to contribute to my family. I would love to be able to go back to college and get my degree in something, but I think I'm too old now and I think I have ADD in the classroom, because I had an all day class yesterday for work and I never thought I'd get through it!!! I was getting done before anybody else, and texting and writing notes, it was so boring! Anyway, I'm just not motivated and I'm such a procrastinator, I want to be a little different, but I think I'm too old to change now! ha, or maybe inside I really don't want to change.
Anyway I went on a job interview for the elementary school in our town a few months ago and didn't think much else about it until I found out the other day that the lady had called and checked all 3 of my references, so does that mean she's interested in me?? And if so, if she calls me and offers me the job, what should I say? I mean it's in town, so that saves A LOT on gas! (you would not believe how much a month I'm spending on gas!!!) anyway, but it's a huge cut in pay, we are talking $15,000 cut in pay! Holy Crap! that's a lot! But the benefit would be that I would be home by 3:30 everyday (3 hours earlier than I get home now), I would be able to leave the house at 7:25 (2 hours later than I do now), I would get to spend the summers with Abby, although we would probably be stuck in the house because we would be broke. I mean there are benefits, but there are draw backs too! I would have no benefits, so Scott would have to carry the insurance, which is double what I have to pay a month. We would have to find someone to watch Abby 3 days a week, if she didn't get in preschool, because Scott wouldn't be able to pay daycare & insurance!
Then that brings us to the baby thing. I really want to have another baby most days, but we don't have the money, especially according to Scott, and I know he's right, but I keep thinking, we'll make it some how, as pessimistic as I am, I can be just as optimistic, when I want to be. But I'm like if we can't afford it now, we really won't be able to afford it, if I take this other job (IF I get offered it), which is just an office assistant, so it's not doing what I want to do either, but at least it will be a change and i'll be dealing with kids some, which could be a bad or good thing, I will be close to home, and Abby will start school next yeat (sniffle) and if I got the job, I wouldn't have to worry about anyone watching her because I could take her and pick her up at school, since I'd be going there too. And I feel like I haven't gotten to be involved in her daycare much since she's been where she is now, because I never see the teachers, they are not there when I drop her off at 6:00 am, and when I pick her up at almost 6:00 pm, they are already gone. I don't want it to be like that when she's in school. I want to be involved and be able to be there and help out. I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know I still have time to have kids, but I want my kids to grow up together and have a close relationship, I mean me and Megan were 9 years apart, and I always felt like I had to take care of her, I had to help Mom with her, so I was more like a little Mama (that's what Mom use to say) than I was her sister. I look at the relationship I have with Jen, and I want Abby to have that. I want her to have somebody else to grow up with and have family memories with and somebody to be bonded to, if something were to happen to me & Scott, I don't want her to be alone. I was an only child for 9 years and I hated it. And now that I've lost Mama, and on the good days where Megan and I can get along, we've enjoyed being able to talk about living with Mama and the traits we have like here and things like that. But I also want another baby, because I feel like I'm not complete, that may sound stupid, but it's like there's something missing, and I think it's another baby in my life. When I'm around other peoples kids mainly babies and children under 1, I just want to hold them and play with them, and I miss having that in my life, maybe it's just me missing Abby as a baby, but I don't think so, I just want to experience that again in my life, holding that little baby in my arm and taking care of it and having my big baby (Abby) there in my other arm. But then I think about all the late night feedings and stuff like that and the sickness and it scares me, because I had Mama to help me when we went through that with Abby. What if I can't do it by myself? So I start worrying about that and then think well maybe Abby was my only chance and I should be happy I have a wonderful and healthy little girl. Then other days I think I'm going to pray about all of it and leave it up to God. He's the one that makes the decisions anyway. So who knows, certainly not me. Any Advice???

So it's one of those days......

Let me tell ya about it, if you care to read it, I got up late this morning about 6:30, to a ringing cell phone with a half screaming husband on the other end, saying I've tried to call you about a hundred times, oh really is that why my phone said 2 missed calls??? hmmm. So after that i'm up, as much as I'd like to go back to bed, which is what I probably should have done! I got up got showered, dressed, got Abby up and ready and we were off. I got in my jeep and looked to notice I was sitting on E, as in EMPTY! Oh crap! What to do? Take the front road, that way, if I break down, maybe someone will take pity on me and be nice enough to get me some gas and not harass me! Since I'm already aggravated, I figured if they tried to mess with me I'd have to do some kung fu, I have seen the kung fu panda comercials and picked up a thing or two. So I coast safely into the gas station, fill up, and then think... did I leave my straightener on??? C R A P! I gotta go back home to check! Cause if the house burns down while I'm gone, it will totally be my fault! So I race back home to check, nope it's off! So I hop back in the car and zoom off! Get to Abby's daycare and there's a down poor as we pull in! I wait a minute, it only gets worse, so I hop out with the umbrella, grab Abby and race to the door! I get her in class & signed in and head out! As I'm trying to get in the car the umbrella pops down and all the water from it and the sky poors down on me, so now I'm soaked and running real late! I finally get to work, no where to park, so I park at a meter, find a little change and run in the building. By this time it's 9:15, so I'm about dry when I remember I gotta go add some more change, I take the elevator from 22 down to 3 hop out and go down the hall around the corner and freeze, it's POORING DOWN!! CRAP! No umbrella, oh well, don't need a ticket, I run out the door up the steps and dang, it starts thundering and coming down like crazy, so I'm soaked, but got the meter paid, after finding a dry place and taking a quick smoke break I run back in the building. Now I'm cold & wet, I stepped in a huge puddle and emerged my shoes in water, so now I'm sqeaking when I walk. I run in the bathroom to see how great I look and realize, my light colored khaki pants and rain are not a good combo, as I look in the bathroom mirror to see my stripped drawers staring back at me! Dang it! Oh well I can stay seated until I leave in about 2 hours for the dentist. I come back and sit down and my cell rings, here's how the convo goes,

Dentist office: "hey Charlene this is Dr. such and such calling to confirm your appointment tomorrow"
Me: "I thought it was today"
Dentist: "no it's tomorrow"
Me: "thanks for calling"

Great, this day is just getting better! I shutter to think what will happen next!!! And if this dude across from me doesn't quit blowing smoke up people's butt about how great he is, I think I'm gonna scream!!!!!!!!!

My Baby's 4!

I've been thinking about Abby turning four for a while now, but it never really hit me and sank in, until last night, when I put 4 birthday candles in her cake, and I was like, well this is it, it's official, my baby is 4! Next year she will be going to school, then next thing you know she will be driving and dating and graduating, oh where has the time gone? I'm so not ready! I look at her and she is still so small, yet she's getting so big! My baby isn't really a baby any more, and by the way, she will tell you, "I'm not a baby, I'm a big girl", but I still can't help but call her my baby and like I told her, she will always be my baby, even when she's in her thirties and has kids of her own! I was thinking last night, this time four years ago, I was sitting in the hospital with my husband and my Mom and other family and friends, all looking at my baby for the first time! I waited nine long months to look at her sweet face, and that it was, she looked like an angel to me! If you are not a Mom, you can not imagine what it feels like to love someone so much! I loved my little sister a lot and my nieces and nephews a lot, but it's different when you have your own child, it's this little miracle that's an actual part of you, it is truly amazing! I'm so fortunate to have a healthy and happy baby, excuse me, big girl!

The Celebrations are about to begin

Saturday is my baby's fourth birthday party! I'm so excited and at the same time a little sad, she has grown so much in just four short years. Where has the time gone? It seems like it was just yesterday that I was rocking my tiny baby in the blue glider my Mama bought for me just to rock Abby in, she was so small and the world was just perfect, well except for the whole lack of sleep, constant feedings, crying and trying to figure out what was wrong (that was both of us), ok, so it wasn't perfect, but it was pretty darn close. My baby isn't really a baby any more, I started noticing it last year when she turned three, but now she's one year away from starting, school! I can't believe it. I have always heard people say time flies, but it never really rang true to me, until I had my daughter. Now here she is walking, talking, running, dancing and it was just a short time ago, she couldn't get around without me. I never knew how much my life could change in just nine months, but it did. My life is so much better and richer because of my daughter. Even now, as I drop her off at daycare, I still hate that I'm not home with her, you would think I would be use to it after almost four years, but I'm not, I love to spend time with my baby, and some days I just want to cry because I can't dedicate my whole day just to her, but she understands, well kind of, she knows if she wants to get that trix yogurt and new baby dolls and watch her favorite shows on tv, then mama has to go to work, cause that's how it all gets paid for! I look back on pictures from four years ago and think how much things have changed. This time Four years ago, I was sitting at my Mom's house or at home with Scott and we had no idea what Abby would look like, every time her birthday rolls around we always say that. We had no idea this precious little black headed baby with big blue eyes was coming to melt our hearts and change our lives forever, someone that would love us in Abby's words "the whole wide world" and that we would love that much and more, was going to grace us with her presence soon. Time has really changed a lot, I lost my Mom nine months after Abby was born, one of the most important people in my life, since then I've lost my Grandmama and a few others in my family, we moved to a new city, I've lost touch with some of my family, I've gotten a few new family memebers, we got kind of a small farm going on with all the animals we have now, it's just life though I guess, Life is contantly changing and it's never going to be the same, you just learn to live in it and keep going, that's all you can do, just look forward to the present and forget parts of the past, you can't forget it all, because then you'd be leaving out some of the best parts of your story. So as I get ready for the 4th of July and my baby's 4th birthday, I'm moving ahead and looking forward to the future and the new adventures we have ahead of us. Have a safe & Happy 4th!