blues

I think I have the blues, only I don't think they ever go away, they subside and burry down deep for a while and then keep coming back, I can't seem to kick them completely. I feel alone in my marriage, the words loveless marriage keep going through my mind, I don't know if that's true or not, and that's sad, you would think after being with someone for almost 10 years, you would know whether you love them or not. I think part of it is my mood, depression, blues, whatever you want to call it, the other thing is we just never get out together by ourselves, that might help, but for the most part, we hardly even talk any more and when we do, we end up getting mad or aggravated at each other. I'm tired of it, but yet, don't feel like doing anything about it, just like with other things in my life, the house work, the bills, I just don't care any more, if it's not related to taking care of my child it's gotten left behind. I take care of her and I go to work, that's about it. The worst time is when I'm at home, I guess because I put on a good show for people everyday, and when I'm at home, I can just be, I don't have to fake it. I don't know what my problem is. I've been on an anti-depressent since my Mom died four years ago, I don' t know if my system has just gotten use to it and I need to take more or what. I hate to even admit that I'm on one, much less think about having to take more. Last time I talked to the Dr. about it, she told me some of the things i tell her sound like symptoms of ADD and wanted to put me on more meds. Ok, I hate taking medicine, I finally caved and started taking the one when I realized there was nothing I could do to fix the problem on my own, but I don't want to keep adding to it and taking more and more stuff for all sorts of different things they THINK I may have. Anyway I'm just down in the dumps and felt like writing. Maybe it will help, maybe not, but it was worth a try.

so aggravated

Sometimes life just doesn't work out the way you want it to. I'm so aggravated over a few things right now. We were kind of planning a trip to Disney this year, we started talking about it and kind of planning last Jan/Feb well now it is a year later and my husband has decided we are not going to have the money to "WASTE" on something like that. We need to use our income taxes, which is what we were going to use to pay most of our trip with to buy a new freezer, although there is nothing wrong with the old one except it is a little small, so, learn to put things in there better! I am just so aggravated at him. If it's not something he wants to do or somewhere he wants to go, he's not into it. I should have known not to get my hopes up about going. Mama always said don't count your chickens before they hatch and that is something that rings true with him! I should never get my hopes up, especially when it comes to him, because if it costs money or doesn't benefit him he will end up saying no to it. Whatever! I am really pissed! I have been wanting to take Abby for a long time, I want to take her before she outgrows some of the smaller rides. I don't want to wait another year or two. It's like I'm wasting my life waiting on him to do things! Part of it I know is my own fault, the other part is his! Like the whole wanting another baby thing! He doesn't want any part of it because we can't afford it, well damn it we didn't think we could afford Abby but we have, haven't we? Sometimes he is so good and other times he just stands in my way. He has no goals for himself and it's like he doesn't want me to have any either. Like when I wanted to go back to school and get my degree, I let him stand in my way for so long, then when I finally started going back, I got pregnant and haven't went back since I had Abby, now I don't have the time. I don't want to spend any more time away from Abby than I already do. I'm so aggravated with life right now. I'm not where I wanted to be and I'm not even close to being on the right path to get there! it is so aggravating, I just want to f-ing scream! I'm glad there are people out there with a fairy tale life, but I'm just pissed I'm not one of them! I have to get up and go to work every day, and not at a job that I want to be doing, at a job I have because I don't have a choice. I still don't have my college degree, I will never get any closer to being a journalist or photographer or hell even losing weight for that matter! I am tired of my boring life, I want something more! I love my Daughter and my husband most of the time, but I get tired of working and coming home and that's it, that's all there is to my life and it's getting old and so am I! I wish I had more time and money to do things and more people to trust to watch my child so I didn't feel guilty for asking the same people over and for feeling guilty for leaving to go somewhere without her, which I hardly ever do. I think it's great there are people that get to go out all the time and always have a babysitter for their child, I just wish I was one of those people sometimes, not all the time, I'm not a drinking partying type, but everyonce in a while it would be nice! I feel stuck and like nothing is ever going to change. It's so frustrating! I want to travel and go exploring and take pictures of everythign and write a book or two and just be. I want to do so many things but fear I will never have the chance. Does anyone else feel like that or is it just me? I feel like the last 10 years of my life has went by so quickly, and other than having my beautiful child, what have I accomplished? Nothing. It's sad and it sucks. I thought I would be somebody or do something important, but so far, i haven't amounted to much. I mean yea, I take care of my child, no I've never been in jail or on drugs, and I did finish High School, those are all good things, but what else, what have I made of myself? what have I done for me? what will my legacy be to my daughter when I am gone? What will she say when someone asks her about me? There isn't much to say. I see other people going and living their life and I feel like I'm just existing through mine, just aimlessly walking through making no impact at all. That really sucks. So whatever, I think I'll go freakin smoke now, maybe I won't get in trouble for that, hell who knows though.

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas

So it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas to me, the fun the excitement and the stress! the stress of not much money a ton of people to buy for and the whole trying to figure out where to go and when thing! Sometimes' it's just too much to think about! In what should be a happy fun filled time, it turns into a stress fest, well for me any way. Worrying about trying to get everyone something and then worrying if they will like it or not and when I can get it to them! Then it just takes all the fun out of it! I wish I had a ton of money to buy stuff for everyone, but I don't. I wish Christmas was a week long celebration, but it's not. So i'm going to do the best I can this year and everyone will just have to understand. I want to get to everyone's house and spend time with them and not feel rushed. I would love to have a peaceful relaxing Christmas with all my family, man that would be nice. I d0n't mind going house to house, I just wish I had time to see everyone on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day, but I just can't. I hate the whole scheduling thing. It's a problem for me every year. This year, I'm going to try to enjoy it more and worry less. It's going to be hard especially when I think of all the money I will spend and could be possibly losing my job (with the whole state budget thing going on). So I won't know for sure until after Christmas, when I've already spent the money. So what do you do?? I'm going to try to get everyone something, it really should be the thought that counts right??? So if they don't get what they want and it doesn't cost as much as they'd like too bad, i'm kinda broke! I really thought of making some presents, but I don't know if I'll even have the time to do that. I know I'm making one, if I get the time to just sit down and do it!

Another thing that's bothering me is that I hate my hair! I'm ready for a change, I want to change the color the cut the everything! I want to change my weight too! Maybe it's me feeling a little older now (since I turned 28) but I just know I need a change! I need to lose weight, start having more me time and not feel guilty about it and change my hair and my clothes! I need some change and it's coming! I'm just going to make up my mind and do it and see what happens! Of course sometimes I get so impatient I make quick decisions and regret them, like chopping off my hair, but oh well it's just hair right? So I'm going to get it cut in the morning, maybe colored depends on money and time! So we'll see. I'm just ready! Guess that's it for now.

Seriously, where's the romance guy?

Ok, so I gotta admit, I didn't think about blogging this til I read a funny blog from a friend saying something about romance going out the window and I think it does, much too quickly! I mean seriously, it's like once they have you and know they do, there goes the romance, well in most relationships, there are some lucky freaking people (obviously not me) who get a guy that keeps the love alive in the romance department and I don't just mean in the bedroom. I mean the lovey dovey stuff, like the cards and flowers, the sweet notes or emails, the taking you to a special place, or making your favorite food or picking up something for you like sweet tea on the way home just because. I mean I know this goes both ways, but really 9 times out of 10 it's usually the women that do this for the mean, but where's the return? I know we don't do it to get something in return, but sometimes it would be nice! I mean times when they are not obligated like valentines & anniversaries. I think back to the times (9 years and 4 months ago) when Scott and I started dating and it was all mushy stuff and hugs that meant something and so on, I'm like if it's like this after 9 years, good gracious what's it going to be like after 19 years!!! Don't get me wrong he does a lot of good things, but not romantic things. And when I mention it to him, in a way that's very direct (cause you can't beat around the bush with guys, they can be dumb sometimes) I'll say, it would be nice of you to do something romanic againg like you did when we were dating or I miss it when we were all romantic and his response is, get this, I don't know how to be romantic. Oh really, well you sure knew how 9 years ago! Did it all dry up and wither away or what? Seriously??? I'm like you better find it and get it back, cause I want my romance guy back dang it! Get a book or something, just figure it out! I have to say he still does things few & far between, but it could be a little more consistent! And it's like the hugs and kisses are just that, they don't have meaning to them any more or even the words I love you, it's just something we are use to saying, I mean I know we love each other and that's one reason we still say it, but it's not like in the beginning and I know I'm not going to have some fairytale romance, but a little bit would be nice! Geez get with the program man! OK, so that's enough ranting for now. All that really matters, is I still love him enough to put up with him and keep him around, because in all honesty, I don't kno what I'd do without him! Cause, I heart him!

something about Thursdays

It must be something about Thursdays, because I just looked and last week I posted a blog on Thurs, now today I'm posting one, hadn't thought about it all week til now and so here I am. Anyway things are going, I'm have a Me night out with a friend tom. night! It's going to be awesome! We are going to her house and gonna scrapbook, watch movies or just veg and do nothing it's going to be great. I'm so excited and then on the other hand, I'm already feeling a little guilty for leaving Abby, I know she will be just fine with her Grammy til her Daddy gets there to pick her up, and goodness knows there are times (like last week, I couldn't wait to get away), but now that it's time, I'm feeling guilty! What's up with that? I mean I haven't been out with a friend in over a year! So why should I feel guilty? I sometimes envy the Moms that get to go out all the time without their kids, but when I do get a chance, I miss her and feel bad for not being there with her. Is everyone like this or am I just a freak? Ok, that was a joke, I just mean, that I love her so much, I guess I feel like I should spend all my free time with her. The only me time I'm use to having is my drive to and from work, which technically is only me time because I'm the only one in the car, there is nothing fun about it. This morning when I dropped her off, she started crying for me, I haven't had to deal with that in a while and you would think by the time they were 4, you'd be use to it right? Well not me, cause it still breaks my heart every time! She kept saying she wanted to go home with me. And I hated HATED to leave her, but didn't have a choice because I had to go to work. So I've called both my Step-Mom and my Dad already to check on her. I've been assured she is just fine, but still, I hated to leave her. Scott and I go tonight for our first Parent-teacher conference with her Pre-K teacher. I hope that goes well! She always says she doesn't want to go to school, but every afternoon when I talk to her she says she's had a good day, so we'll see. Guess that's it for now.

just some things

1. I didn't realize how long it's been since I'd blogged
2. I love my daughter and miss her terribly, even though I just saw her this morning
3.I'm aggravated with work and wish I had a good paying job in my home town
4. I'm really looking forward to the holidays and at the same time dreading them for the sadness of not having my Mama to share them with
5. Just when you think someone has changed, you find out they really haven't, what a bummer
6. Why put hope in people when they are just going to let you down?
7. Why is it their are always too many chiefs and not enough indians in the scheme of things? And the chiefs are always out to catch someone doing something wrong or messing up, even if it's meanial (sp?)
8. why can't we all just get along
9. I can't wait to dress Abby up for Halloween
10. I'm ready for a visit with my Big Sis, geez I miss her
11. Looking forward to my Mama's night out, it's been way way to long (over a year people!)
12. I miss Abby and wonder what she's doing
13. I'm wanting to go spend a day doing nothing but taking pics
14. I need a family day
15. Ready to go to my Papa's and see some of my family and have a good time
16. Not sure why I am doing this in numerical order, just seemed right
17. I want to go walk next weekend in the Breast Cancer walk, but probably won't and I hate that
18. Thinking happy thoughts of my husband and loving him so much! Happy Birthday honey!
19. Did I mention I miss my Baby?
20. Have so many things to take off work for coming up and I'm dreading it because I don't want to get crap for it!
21. Glad most of my tests turned out fine
22. Love my Dad & Marcie so much and glad I have them in my life
23. Thankful for the wonderful friends in my life and knowing I have people I can count on to be there for me and there is no drama with them!
24. Greatful for old friends that show up and take me to lunch!!! Oh how I've missed them
25. Love Love Love my family
26. Miss my family that I don't see enough!
27. Ready to leave work
28. Want to scrapbook
29. trying to figure out what to cook for the hubs bday dinner
30. Excited about giving my hubs his presents and stuff tongiht.

My Baby

My baby is the most precious thing in my life. I am still amazed when I look at her and know she's mine. I can't believe this one time little tiny baby is now a little growing girl. She amazes me in so many ways and she is the joy and the sunshine in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, she's not perfect, especially lately with the fits and tantrums, but I love her any way. She has a way of melting my heart like no one else can or ever has. When I'm having a tough time at work, I can look at her picture and it cheers me up, that's what love is, a place in your heart that always brings a good feeling and a smile. That's what Abby does for me. My life changed as soon as I found out I was pregnant and changed even more when she got here, and it has all been for the better. I find myself planning things for us to do and wanting to do things, so she can experience it. I love going to the beach so much, but I love it even more now, because I get to see my baby enjoy it. It's such a wonderful feeling to be a mother. I recomend it to anyone up for the job! it's not easy, but nothing else in the world is more rewarding. I can't believe she is four years old, people say time flies and it really does when you have a child! it still seems like I just had her a month or so ago. She's growing so tall and has her own personality/attitude, but most of the time, it's so cute! I love her smiles, and her giggles, her songs and her voice, just everything about her! Mama loves you Abby, forever and for always!